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Out of parental concern comes put-down or real love?          担心的背后 是关爱还是打击
2009年09月21日

几乎所有的父母都为孩子的健康,学习和交友等情况担心. 家长表达担心是出自对孩子的关爱, 可是对于孩子来讲未必体会到的是关爱, 有可能感受到一种变相的打击. 表达担心是很微妙的事, 比如得知孩子学习成绩时, 询问孩子学习状况时, 表达的背后是否潜藏着一些负面的信息, 比如”你真让我失望” “你怎么这么没用””你怎么这么不努力”等等. 如果类似的信息传递给孩子时, 那么这种担心的性质就已经从关爱向对孩子的打击转换了. 
Almost all parents worry about their children’s health, study, making friends, and everything else. Of course, it’s almost instinctive on the parents’ part, but for their children, they don’t always feel the warmth, but negativity and put-down instead. It is a skilled and delicate job how to express parental concern to one’s teenage child.
  

  孩子会感受到和背负着这些信息, 进而发展出各种各样的应对方式, 有的孩子把自己没用的信息根植于心, 整日担心忧虑,生怕考试不如别人, 潜在的是只有自己考好了才能证明自己有价值, 这种担心害怕会严重影响他们的学习效率,影响他们发挥自己最大的潜力. 还有的孩子对家长公开表达愤怒, 和家长形成对立的关系, 不与家长沟通交流, 而家长却认为孩子怎么现在叛逆了,反抗了, 越来越不象话, 还有的孩子通过谈恋爱弥补感情上的慰籍, 获得每个人都必需的认同, 还有的孩子将不满转移到其他方面, 或者表现为躯体化的特征,或者沉迷于玩乐, 消极对待. 
  Children who get bombardment of such negativity and criticism often develop various means to cope. Some shut out parents all together, and gradually becomes aloof or inward looking, or they may take a confrontational stand and become openly defiant. Others may lose all sense of self confidence and perform even worse than before on all fronts, which in turn confirms their low opinion of themselves. They may also seek refuge and reprieve from other sources like substances abuse, premature love relationships, video game, etc.


  以上种种孩子的表现都是对家长敲响的警钟, 家长可以试着探索是否内心真正无条件的接纳自己的孩子, 是否在不经意间传递着负面的信息, 把自己出自爱的表达变成了对孩子的变相打击.
  Such behaviour should serve as warning signs to parents who have been dishing out destructive criticism to their children in the name of parental love. These parents should taka a long, hard look at themselves and ask: do I love my child for who he/she is? Or do I constantly put him/her down and destroy their confidence in the process? 
                                                                                                        

心理咨询师   SCIE School Counsellor

唐然 Laura TANG

 

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