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当孩子心情低落时, 家长需要做些什么? What parents can do when children are emotionally unwell
2009年09月23日

  当一个人遇到不开心的时候, 最大的希望是有人能够认可他的这种状态, 能够对他的感受, 无论是悲伤, 愤怒, 脆弱, 羞辱等等有个认同, 能够帮助他确认面临类似的处境时每个人都可能会有如此的情绪感受, 帮助他进一步了解这种感受带给他哪些对自己和对与他人交往的想法, 也同时了解自己的想法与这些情绪的关系, 从而接纳和面对自己最真实的情感, 并且在此基础上找到处理和调节这些情绪的办法. 对于孩子来说, 最希望家长可以帮助他们一起度过心情低落的时候.  必须承认, 很多家长的做法忽略了对情绪认同的关键环节, 直接着手调节和处理问题, 不经意间起到了适得其反的作用.
  When someone is unhappy, what he or she wants most is empathy. They would dearly like the people around them to feel what they feel, which could be anger, sorrow, shame, etc, and to help them deal with that feeling based on empathy and understanding. Negative feelings often involve social relationships with other people, and it is important, particularly for teenagers, to manage their own emotions effectively and keep them under control. Young people often need help to understand and accept why they feel the way they do, which is the basis for processing these emotions wisely, and eventually rising above them. However, parents tend to ignore the crucial stage of empathy and jump straight to the resolution phase. This could have the opposite effect.

  比如有的家长开始讲大道理,教育孩子人就是要学会处理这些情绪, 不然如何在社会上生存. 说得没错, 可是对孩子起不到任何的支持作用. 还有的家长会谈些别的似乎开心的事, 比如带孩子去吃好东西, 去看演出等等, 这相当于不认可孩子的感受, 而是在告诉孩子, 没人愿意听这些不开心的事, 或者这些事只要不去想它就好了等等, 孰不知原来的情绪没被释放, 甚至于还新添了不被理解的愤怒, 还有似乎也没有理由愤怒的内疚感, 被压抑下来的情绪一定会在日后不同程度的影响到孩子的心理健康. 还有的家长听到孩子似乎受气了, 立刻替孩子出面找学校, 找老师, 找同学鸣不平, 这也有一些潜在的不利, 一方面夸大了孩子的情绪反应, 另一方面似乎在告诉孩子他的情绪感受都是别人需要承担责任的, 而孩子自己无需为自己的情绪负责, 同时也剥夺了孩子从中学习和成长的机会, 也有不利于孩子健康成长的因素埋伏下来.
  For instance, some parents immediately launch into lecturing about maturity, independence, responsibility, etc. Others may try distraction or burial techniques, taking the child out to movies, restaurants, or theme parks. These measures rarely work in the long run, as they are tantamount to ignoring feelings or refusing to acknowledge them. So the parent may end up having an even more depressed or angrier child than before through the lack of empathy the child so badly needs.
Another fairly common example is parents remonstrating with teachers or other students for the perceived unfairness done to their children. Parents taking such actions should be aware that they may be augmenting the child’s negative feeling, or they may be sending a message to the child that he or she does not need to manage his or her own emotions. This could prove problematic or even disastrous in the child’s later life.                 

 心理咨询师   SCIE School Counsellor
 唐然      Laura TANG

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